Being a Worry wart...

Goodness gracious am I ever the worry wart. I have a bad tendency to worry about a lot of things...not everything mind you - but too much none-the-less. This is a huge battle for me - it's something I have been working on since I was...well, able to drive. Worrying. Doubting. Fear of the Unknown.

There is not one person in this world who can say: "Nope, I don't have that problem. I don't worry about anything. My life is grand!" Seriously people, can't you hear yourself? That's a load of garbage! If you are over the age of 10...you worry - it may not be a lot but you do.

There are SO many things that are out of our control, so many things that can go wrong...how can you not worry? You worry that your dinner is going to be less than par for your in-laws; or that you wont be passing that last final exam so you can graduate; or you worry that you will get the bus late and miss your doctors appointment; or not worrying that you wont be able to pay the rent/mortgage. You see? There is always something out of your control, and therefore there will be always something to worry about.

I say this because...you are not alone. I am right there with ya!...unfortunately we all are in some way shape or form.

Matthew 6:25 - 31 says: "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, [will He] not much more [clothe] you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day [is] its own trouble." (NKJV)

This is a perfect answer to the problem of worry. Its Gods promise, that He will never leave you or forsake you - that He is always there for you. If the birds in the air have something to eat...how much more will you have? If the lilies of the field are adorned so beautifully, how much more beautiful will you be, being a child of God?

Take this time right now to look back at your life. Go through each little detail and you will see God providing for you...even in the smallest ways. Remember that day you were starving and had no money to buy food...and all of a sudden you find a $20 bill in your pocket? I have personally seen God work mighty miracles in my life just like that...God is awesome isn't He?

Wait...what is that you ask me? "I have memorized that verse and still I worry about everything!" Not a problem, again we are all human. But I will respond to that statement by saying:

Phil 4: 6-7 says: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

These verses are a help-mate, if you will, to Matthew 6:25-31. It continues to say that you should give God everything...all your requests, all your worries. Pray, seek Him out. Ask God why, go ahead I dare ya - cause He will answer you. Tell Him your scared, tell Him you can't take it anymore. Tell Him everything. What He wants is for your to get to the point of: "I can't take this anymore Lord! What should I do?" Then and only then are you ready to stop.

Phil 4:8 - Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things [are] noble, whatever things [are] just, whatever things [are] pure, whatever things [are] lovely, whatever things [are] of good report, if [there is] any virtue and if [there is] anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

Get ready to stop.

I went to Word Of Life Bible Institute several years ago, and in one of my classes I was taught by a man name Phil Moser (awesome teacher!). He said to memorize this verse and every time you started to worry (or have problems with your thought life), concentrate on these words! These 8 words are the basis of right thinking. He came up with the awesome idea to put these 8 words on a stop sign and memorize them! Post them up in your room (or wherever) and that way you can memorize easier by seeing them constantly. Here is an example:

During this scary time, I can not imagine anyone who is not worrying. I hope this helps you, as it helps me everyday. God Bless!

My Prayer Life

Last night, I read through my old journal from 2001. I lived in New York, still at home. It was interesting to read. But one thing shocked me, I saw how I used to pray. It made me a little ashamed. My sweet husband tried to console me, telling me that in my past I was still searching for answers and that's why I prayed like that. But it didn't make me feel better. I mean, he's right though. The things that I wrote in there shocked me at how misguided I was...but does that excuse my loss of fervency in my prayer?

My prayer life now actually has been slacking - I'm changing that. But this makes me think. Have I lost that fire in me? Or has it changed? I mean I still have the fire for ministry, and I pray (just not as much as I should)...but is that enough?

Happy Friday!!

Well, today Dave and I started talking about having kids again. I'm so unsure about whether we should start trying again! I really dont know. Dave neither actually. He made a good point - we just need to pray about it.

I'm kinda scared actually. I don't want to go through that all over again - getting pregnant to lose my baby. That was the worst thing I ever had to go through. I know we can't let this get to us...to me really. I know it's all about trusting God....but I just don't want to deal with this again. My friend has six kids and is expecting her seventh (God bless her)....but she has had 2 miscarriages. I don't know it was her first and sixth pregnancies.

I know that they say it's highly unlikely if you have a miscarriage once, you will have another (or something like that)...but what if I'm like Michelle? What if I'm the type that can't have kids?

God help me if I can't have kids!

Life Now...

So now life is going on as normal as possible; but not really. I took a recent picture of my husband, and it seems as if he aged 20 years within the past month. Things are so different. I still blame the miscarriage on myself. Dave doesn't, but I can't help feel like its my fault.

I still am a little chunky from the pregnancy, so my self esteem is suffering. Greatly suffering. My husband has never been the romantic kind, I love him to death and I know he loves me...but he sooo sucks at that!!

So, work is going sorta well. I am a blog manager at Talent Zoo, I work on their family of blogs called OffSet Media. I am now paid per blog entry, it makes it a little more stressful...but I like writing. So far everything has been fine. The CEO and CFO told me that they are working on stuff to give me, so that I can earn more money. I am supposed to start that tomorrow.

God help us.

Dave freaks out about money so much. I keep trying to encourage him, but its like he's not listening! I keep trying to point him toward the bible, but I don't know whats happening with him. God please work in our lives! Dave told me today, that he wished he had the faith I do. I told him: "You can, you just have to believe."

I gotta keep praying for him. Then again, my father has been that same way since I was born. Then again, you never know! People can change.

Oh yea, Dave wants to go see his family for Thanksgiving. His family in Georgia. They are already having problems because we are not sleeping over. Dude, I don't mean to sound snobby - but they want us to sleep on the floor on an air mattress. Not even to mention my horrible back, but Dave has a horrible back and demands to do all the driving. So we are going to stay at a nearby Hotel.

We want to get there Wednesday morning (leaving Tuesday night) - and spend the day sight-seeing in Atlanta. Then we want to leave early Friday morning. His family hates me. That's the problem. No, hate is a strong word and its not the whole family. His mother does not like me. She is so mean to me. Her little snide comments go over Dave's head...but UGH!

She treats Dave's sister-in-law that way too. Dave's brother and her have been married for 5 years, and they have a 3 year old child together. That baby has not really spent time with Dave's mom. Its her fault!

Ok, well I have vented enough for the day. I need to go pray.

ALWAYS LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD.

Doing Better

doing better lately. I am finally able to go outside without crying. But I feel very self-conscious when I do. I feel like I am as huge as a house. Guess my depression is moved on to other things.

Well, on with life. It totally sucks though.

Say the Words: I Love You

I have lived in New York City my entire life (well the majority of my life). I thought that I had it all! I never would have imagined living anywhere else. Now I live in Maryland. What events brought me here? 9/11.

I lived in New York (well Staten Island) up until 2006. But, 9/11 really changed it all. Before then Manhattan was a busy place that had this essence, that just made you want to be there. I have to admit that once I turned 18, all I wanted to do was get a job in Manhattan for the simple fact that it was New York City! The smell, the feel, the idea that New York brought was.......well, there are no words. I mean there is nothing in this world that beats New York City in the fall. It just has this wonderful crisp smell to it.....well at least outside of the subways :o). There was also this feeling about living in Manhattan during the fall, it was crisp; upbeat; fast paced....just plain THRILLING. [Sidebar: I hate Spring and Summer so we just wont talk about those seasons and smells that came along with them...if ya know what I mean] New York City in the winter......almost inexplicable! Same crisp feeling as fall, but better because New York City knows how to do Christmas! Christmas in New York is something that everyone, and I mean everyone, needs to experience. It's absolutely beautiful. And to this day, I will always visit because that is apart of me. New York City never leaves you.......whatever your experience is. It truly is a memorable place. Boy do I love New York.

But then, that day happened. And as everyone knows it effected everyone. I lost two friends that day, could have lost my parents (if they weren't early to work.....). That changed everything for me. I was Pre-Med at a local Staten Island college. I was going places. Then when that day happened, I couldn't bare to say goodbye to my parents as they went to work everyday. I had to say I love you to those I loved, as they were leaving the house (even if they were going to the corner deli) - I still do that to this day. But all Americans went about their lives. Almost seeming to forget about it. But those of us who lived in the 5 suburbs of New York City never really forgot. It was everywhere......signs on cars stating who they lost that day, people you met everyday, American flags everywhere (literally on anything in some cases).

But, it was livable. Then....oh, then started the harassing of anyone who even remotely seemed Arab. I went to pump gas at a station that was run by an Indian man. He was so nice and sweet (well to me at least), but on this day he had this look on his face. It was a heart wrenching look, it seemed as though someone just ripped his heart out and stomped on it over and over. And during that time (the 2 years following the attacks), it was not abnormal to see that look on people's faces. But not this time, no at this time there were these two idiots who had parked their car in the station's parking lot and were hurling insults and threats at him. Telling him, that "we don't want your kind here; go back home Ahmed!" Stupid things like that. I just wanted to run over and give those knuckleheads a slap in the face. All I wanted to yell was HELLO!!! HE'S A HUMAN BEING!!! Now, who knows he may have been.......I don't know, but what I do know is that no one, NO ONE should be humiliated like that. Unless, they are horrible..........no, that's topic for another blog. That was the only viewing of hate that I saw, but I knew it was there. Everyone did.

You could "go on", but not really.....you see in every public transportation area, in Manhattan, was always filled with some sort of army presence. On the Staten Island ferry, there was National Guards with machine guns taking the boat ride with you. There would be times when there would be a National Guard boat travelling along side the ferry. They would be looking at every olive skinned person with suspicion, with distaste even (just being observational not saying that its true). I remember one time going home on the Staten Island ferry during the dead of summer, and there was this man on the ferry with this huge, thick parka. The fear that shot through me, oh I will never forget it. Turns out that the man was just an insane homeless person, but still it's not a place I would live in anymore. I want to be able to live without the thought: I wonder if my husband was coming home today alive or not. Wondering if my kids would be able to play outside. I didn't want to wake up one morning to have the threat level raised (again) and travel to work with National Guards and their machine guns.

I moved to Maryland and I don't have as many fears. In fact, I don't have any....okay maybe a couple but that's only my husband has a tendency to drive a little crazy. People here are so laid back, I don't think I will ever get used to that. [Sidebar: I am not delusional, I know I have to be cautious everywhere, but I don't have the same intense in-your-face-worries as New Yorkers, and if you hadn't guess yet...I am a huge worrier - it's getting better but...]

But the only problem I have living outside of New York City is that people just seemed to say: "9/11...what's that? That happened long ago, you really should get over that." And you know what? They are right, we do have to move on. But we should never forget.


Never Forget 9/11.