Pain that encompasses all

She could not hide the pain in her eyes. Was she hearing the doctor right? Miscarriage? Did I kill my baby? "God Almighty make him wrong," she prayed silently.

The doctor left the room and she got up, her sweet husband took her in his arms and said "I'm so sorry honey". She held it in no longer....she fell into her husband's strong arms crying. "He could be wrong, that baby could be okay," he said with such faith. She pushed him away and got dressed. "I killed my baby."

"Sweetie, you didn't. No, don't think that; stay positive. You don't know what's going to happen - you could still be pregnant. Have faith" She continued to get dressed and wiped her face. They walked out the door together.

As they got into the car she decided to call her mom. She dialed the number as her husband called out sick from work. She felt her body calm down, "I will have faith. The baby is fine." She recalled a story her grandmother told her about a woman who bled heavily during her pregnancy, and still had a healthy baby.

As her husband got in the car her mother answered the phone, "Hello" her mother’s calm, comforting voice caused her to start crying again. "The doctor said...the doctor said...he said...he said...", "What’s wrong sweetie?" her mother asked with concern. She couldn't bring herself to say her baby was gone...so she handed the phone to her husband.

"The doctor said that she will most likely have a miscarriage this weekend." She didn't hear the rest. "Why God? Why? What did I do wrong? Is it because of my weight? Is it because of my eating habits? Is it because of my asthma? What did I do wrong?" She kept asking herself the same questions over and over, crying. She shook her head and said with determination: "The baby is still there. I will give birth to this baby and give God all the glory. This will be a miracle that will totally give glory to God. I am still pregnant, the doctor can't know everything."

Her husband handed her the phone again: "Your mother wants to talk to you". He started driving home.

"Hi mom."

"Hi baby. Do you want me to come over? Your dad and I want to come over."

"No, its okay you don't have to come. I know you have plans."

"Do you want to see me?"

"Yes." She started to cry again this time harder. She handed the phone back to her husband. She couldn't handle it anymore. She shut down.

Silent the rest of the ride, she kept saying to herself: "The baby is still there. I will give birth to this baby and give God all the glory. This will be a miracle that will totally give glory to God. I am still pregnant, the doctor can't know everything."

They arrived home. She stood up to get out of the car and felt it. She felt the pain that would never leave her for the rest of her life.

"Oh my God."

"What happened? Are you okay?" Her husband quickly rushed to her side. "It's happening."

They walked slowly into the house and confirmed what she just felt. She called the doctor who told her the same; "I am so sorry but you are having the miscarriage right now." She hung up the phone and cried her heart out. She buried her face in her bed a screamed: "NO!!! GOD NO!"

Through her heart wrenching sobs she told her husband what the doctor told her and what she felt. "I'm so sorry" was all she could say to him; over and over she said "I'm so sorry". He held her and began to cry with her. "Stop it, it's not your fault," he repeated to her. It was the first time she ever saw him cry.

"I'll be right back," he said.

She lay down in bed waiting for her husband to come back. After he was gone for more than 15 minutes she walked around the house to find out he was outside crying. "Baby come back inside, don't leave me alone."

"Go lay down baby, I'm coming inside now." She waited for him as he walked back into the house. "Why did you go outside?" He looked like he was crying.

"I went to call my dad and let him know."

"And to cry right?"

"Yes," he admitted. She looked at him with great concern; "Baby, please don't push me away. We need to be together in this. We need to cry together. We need to mourn together."

"Ok, I promise. I won't leave you again," he said.

When they walked back into the bedroom, she held her stomach as the pain started again. She cried so hard she fell to her knees and had difficulty breathing. Her husband, picked her up and held her. "Baby, you need to calm down. You need to be able to breathe." He started to rub her back for a little bit.

"I need to lie down," she said.

They lay down in bed together holding each other for what seemed forever.

The door bell rang. "My parents are here. Come on." She told her husband.

"I don't even want to see them. Why did they come? I just want to be here with only you."

"They are here to help us and comfort us, come on." She slowly walked out to answer the door.

When she opened the door, the first face she saw - was her mothers. Her mother’s eyes held such compassion it caused her to cry again. "It's okay. Go ahead and let it out." As her body shook from the sobs, her mother cried with her.

1Cr 12:26 And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with [it]; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with [it].

Happy Friday!!

Well, today Dave and I started talking about having kids again. I'm so unsure about whether we should start trying again! I really dont know. Dave neither actually. He made a good point - we just need to pray about it.

I'm kinda scared actually. I don't want to go through that all over again - getting pregnant to lose my baby. That was the worst thing I ever had to go through. I know we can't let this get to us...to me really. I know it's all about trusting God....but I just don't want to deal with this again. My friend has six kids and is expecting her seventh (God bless her)....but she has had 2 miscarriages. I don't know it was her first and sixth pregnancies.

I know that they say it's highly unlikely if you have a miscarriage once, you will have another (or something like that)...but what if I'm like Michelle? What if I'm the type that can't have kids?

God help me if I can't have kids!

Oh yea...

So, now that I got my period...my husband wants to start trying to have kids again. I don't know if thats a good idea. I have such doubts!

I mean, what about this economy? Dave and I have some debt over our head...shouldnt we wait to get rid of it until we start? Also, I am overweight, what if I had the miscarriage because of my weight issues? I mean, I am losing weight right now, but what if that's not enough?

Oh here's the best part! My dad told David that we should not have kids yet - because we don't have enough money or something like that. My dad has said some stupid things but that just takes the cake. I know that he means well, but dang! God bless him, that's all I can say.

I just don't know. What am I supposed to do? Dave is supportive, but he wants to talk about it. I don't think I am emotionally ready for that just yet too.

Actually I think that's the biggest thing. I don't think I could handle being pregnant again. I know that I shouldnt freak out about it. I know that lots of women have had miscarriages and have kids after. Its just...I don't know.

Morning Sickness

Why do they call it Morning Sickness.....when you get it all day? I bet it was a man who came up with that term...lol. Pardon me while I go ralph...

Why??

So this past weekend was interesting. I have been feeling a little bit large....yea I know "Duh, you're pregnant!". But still, as a woman who has always struggled with her weight...this is hard. Anyways, this past weekend we saw Dave's parents. Hmmmmm, well its the first time we have seen them since finding out...and the first words out of her mouth is "Jessica, you look pregnant!". Oh yeah that made me feel reeeeaaaaallll good. Yea, she's a real joy.

So, I am showing a little. Not really though, it just looks like I'm gaining weight. I feel like I am like a thousand pounds. Not cool! But like my wonderful husband keeps reminding me: "You're having a baby!".

It STILL doesn't feel like I am pregnant! The only symptoms I have is a bigger belly. and bigger knockers. Maybe I am farther along than I think. According to the book, the symptoms I have makes me seem I am farther along. Dave swears that I am farther along. At one point, he swore I was 6 months along. Forget the fact that we only started trying 2 months ago, and my last period...thats a little too gross even for me.

But, you know what? I can't help but think...am I having twins? There are a couple of reasons, I tested pregnant a little early and I can not stop eating! I am soooo hungry! But then again, that could just be nothing. Who knows...

Been A While...

Its been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened since then. I found out that I am pregnant! Its our first child and I am so freaked out! According to my last menstrual period (LMP), I am about 7 or 8 wks. We made an appointment for our first OBGYN appt., not until october though. I think I may be farther along than that though.

I have been very crampy, and sick! I feel like this is never gonna end! I have my morning sickness at night, which is good cause I can sleep it off.

Dave has a sinking feeling that we are going to have twins. I don't know...all I really care about is keeping our baby healthy. I have a thyroid condition, so it's very important I keep track of that. They told me that I have to keep on top of my condition, if not I can have a miscarriage at any point during the pregnancy. Its got me a little worried. But I know God is in control.

I still have doubts that I am pregnant. I don't feel pregnant at all! With the exception of my aching boobs, nausea, extremely late period and 3 positive pregnancy tests. LOL. I can't wait until that doctor's appointment, so then we can hear the baby's heartbeat...and finally get those fears out of my mind!